Monthly Archives: April 2006

10 Rules For Dating My Daughter

I thought this was funny…

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact,
come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilising a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

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I’m an Uncle!

TrentonJust a quick post here to tell everyone that my sister had her baby! Trenton Ray she named it.

I’m still busier than ever but hope to post some more this weekend. I got all kinds to talk about as it has been kinda dull around this blog but I’m just swamped with work. Until then…

Happy Birthday Tandra!

Happy Birthday honey!

OK that’s it, move on nothing to see here!

Happy Easter!

easterHello all. Sorry for the lack of updates, but I have been busier than ever. I was finally able to wrap up a few tasks this last week so hopefully the posting will become more frequent.

Tandra has been in Minneapolis all weekend with her mother and brother for Easter so I have had some extra time to get some work done. I went out to my parents this afternoon for Easter dinner and took ole Pedro with. The ride down was interesting as he could not sit still and I didn’t entirely trust him in the car but the ride back was a breeze as he jumped into his pet carrier and slept most of the way home. He learned what a cat was today and I don’t think the memory is a fond one. After almost an hour of deliberation he finally got close enough for my sister’s cat to strike him with her paw and that was the end of that for Pedro.

Speaking of my sister, her kid is due any day know. Sounds like they will induce her on Wednesday if there is no kid by then. Works for me then I only have to remember one day for Tandra’s and my nephew’s birthday!

Palm Sunday

Been a long week. I started my new position on Monday and so far I really like it. It is a fun change of pace and I get to learn new things so I think I will continue to enjoy it. One definite plus is that I am working in Linux about 90% of the day and it is really fun brushing up on my Linux skills and learning some new things. I know that sounds really geeky but whatever.

I’m definitely getting spring fever. This increase in temperature has me thinking about all kinds of summer activities. I can’t wait to go get my camper and go camping! I’ll try to post more this week but I think it will be another busy one…

A Grim Weekend All Around

What a weekend. On Friday we had to put Polar down. It was a very sad day as we have had him since he was a puppy, but he had become so vicious to strangers that we could not take the chance anymore of him biting a kid or someone and getting sued. The last straw was this week when a kid came by, gathering canned food for some charity and Polar happened to be outside on his leash. Naturally he went after the child and got within a few feet of him before we heard the commotion and screamed at the child to stay back until we retrieved him. Iím gonna miss him, but he is better of now as he no longer has to spend the majority of his day in his kennel.

My mom called this morning to tell me that my aunt had passed away this morning. She had contracted the flu and was submitted to the hospital on Saturday. It really was a wakeup call as it is the first sibling of either of my parents to pass on. It really makes you realize how precious life is and how fast it goes. I cannot believe how long it has been since I have been out of high school. It seems like only last year we graduated.

Tomorrow I start my new position at work. I am excited and ready to get back to work as it has been a long weekend. Hopefully the coming week brings better events.